


Remember When

by CoffeeMug



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, will hopefully add a chapter or two
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-13 20:59:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5716888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeMug/pseuds/CoffeeMug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Throughout John and Nick's relationship, Nick gets unwelcome flashes of the real Nick Valentine's life and find's himself not living in the moment anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spring

The late-spring weather was comfortable. Warm sun beat down and heated the earth mixed with the gentle wisps of wind that rustled the branches on nearby trees created the perfect climate for a walk or simple outside activities.

Seated next to the lazy creek sat two figures; sharing warm embraces and company as they soaked in the late afternoon sun. Working around Sanctuary can really tire a person out.

Hands gently roamed around warm bodies in tender gestures of love and admiration. Nothing too fast or lewd, just sweet and caring. His lips were sugar sweet with the taste of grape mentats and his eyes fluttered shut delicately with anticipation.

Nick cradled Hancock's face in his good hand as he ran a course synthetic thumb over the scar tissue on his lover’s cheek and softly deepened their kiss.

When they finally pulled away, eyes crinkling and lips pulled in soft smiles; They linked their hands together in each other’s lap.

The cold of Nick’s metal hand warmed by Hancock's gentle hands.  
It was cold like the bite of a winter night or the whipping winds of a rain-soaked afternoon yet it held the amiability and love of someone who still had hope in this world. Hancock held that hand and damn if he would let it go. In a symbolic way it could be viewed as an imperfect and broken mechanic but to Hancock it was more than just scrap metal worth a few caps.

“Sweetheart...you, uh..you still with me?” Asked Nick quietly, His tone was soft and lightly hinted with concern and he couldn’t help but look deeply at Hancock.

“Of course, just...letting my mind wander.” He replied and returned Nick’s look.

Nick faintly recalled last night when Hancock did the same thing, maybe the ghoul had more on his mind than usual.

“Something gnawing at your mind, John?”

Hancock lowered his head slightly “No.” he looked back up at Nick with a smile and a lighthearted laugh. “Just thinking about you,love”

Damn, John was so adorable when he smiled. It almost reminded Nick faintly of…

 

Jenny.

 

_“You know, if you stopped smoking you wouldn’t taste like a damn ash tray, hon.” The sweet voice cooed and Nick couldn’t help but steal another kiss from the girl’s lips._

_“Hasn’t stopped you yet, has it?” He replied in an equally snark-filled tone before parting with her._

_Jenny felt her sundress softly kiss her knees in waves as the warm air of a summer afternoon blew across the grass._

_She smiled, a warm, welcoming and tender smile before saying “Have a good day at work,hon.”_

__

“You too…” Nick sighed softly, transfixed.

 

“What?” Hancock said suddenly.

Nick blinked rapidly before looking down at his surroundings. The grass, the brilliant blue sky, the narrow stream in front of them, and Hancock.

“What?” Nick repeated hancock’s question which earned him a puzzled look.

“You just said ‘you too’ out of the blue after spacing out. You on something, man?” Hancock asked.

Nick just huffed and shot his lover a look “For the last time, John. I cannot get high.”

“But in all seriousness, you holding up alright?” Hancock asked softly “You know you can tell me anything that's troublin’ ya.”

Nick didn’t reply, he just ran his hand over his face with a sigh. Deciding not to keep his partner in a worried suspense, he looked at him.

“I’m okay...really. I’ll be alright. Appreciate it, John.”

Hancock lifted his hand slowly and cradled Nick’s broken cheek with the most care in the world, as if it was fine china.  
John always cared about people close to him more than himself. He saw Nick as not only the love of his life, but the closest friend he has ever had. Always been there for Hancock when he needed it most, knew when to keep his distance and knew when to keep close.

Nick forced a smile at his partner, figuring it would be for the better if he just tried to forget it like everything else. Those weren’t his memories..and yet they _were,_  
no matter how much he told himself different. He was just a robot encrypted with another man’s memories of the pre-war world,his life, his love and his values.

But;

The ghoul cradling him at this very moment...was his own.

Nick suddenly wrapped his arms tightly around Hancock, as if he would float away if he let go.  
He returned the hug and soothing rubbed Nick’s coat clad back.

“I love you,John.”

 _“I love you too, Nick.” A tired female voice muttered from the spot in the bed next to him. Arm slung around her belly, holding her tightly to his warm body. Fingers laced lazily together._  
_Nick felt the metal of the engagement ring around his fiance’s supple fingers._  
_He kissed her bare shoulder and nuzzled her neck._

 _“You have su-_  
-ch nice hugs, love.” Jenny’s voice cut out half way to Hancock’s. The ghoul was still holding him tight.

‘maybe it’s time for a check up. Diagnostics should fix this, right? Why is this happening now.’ Nick’s thoughts were persistent and he couldn’t stop the flow of them. ‘I don’t even know her. Why must these God damn memories keep popping up. Jenny isn’t mine, she is long dead. But John... _John_...

Hancock could hear the clicks of Nick’s mind working overtime. He figured if Nick was having problems then he would tell him in time; it wasn’t worth making a big deal over it. Nick was mature enough to tell him when he felt comfortable and Hancock respected that.

“Hey! Not to break up your canoodling-” the familiar voice shook the couple to break apart and look to the source. “But both your help is needed asap.” Deacon called over to them.

“C’mon, Nicky.” Hancock stood and offered a hand to his seated partner “maybe Danse got his idiot face stuck in a window sill again.”


	2. Summer

Blood was dripping down his leg as he limped over to find a place to sit and tend to his wounds. Raiders, a whole gang of them had ambushed Hancock when he was on his way to Diamond City.

Alone might he add.

 

“Sons of bitches,.” He muttered thickly under his breath in a whimper.

  
His leg was pretty mangled from the repeated attacks with knives and bats. Two long gashes run parallel on his thigh and his calf was already starting to bruise. Taking up a stimpack, he jammed it desperately into his leg, instantly feeling the medicine go to work in his system.  
Hancock chuckled to himself, at least he wasn’t as bad off as the raiders, snapped necks and shotgun shells unloaded in their chests.

Getting up off the ground, Hancock resumed his travel to Diamond city at a very slow pace. As he eyed his leg cautiously, he could already hear Nick’s voice scolding him for not being more stealthy and hell, going alone in the dead of night.

Getting through the gates of Diamond City was easier than expected, bartering with the guard with cheap chems was a regular occurrence for Hancock and it granted him entrance to the city.

He hid in the shadows as he snuck to the place where his lover took up occupancy. The Valentine Detective Agency.

 

Hancock didn’t bother knocking. He just needed a place to sit and tend to his wounds with maybe a strong drink on the side and accompanied by a smoke.

  
As he walked in, the familiar scent of tobacco and rust surrounded him, still it smelt better than the old state house.

  
Nick was slumped at his desk, pen in hand as he wrote down the most recent case report.  
It was the creaking of the door as Hancock entered the office that woke him from his work trance.

  
The synth looked up to see his boyfriend; Crusted blood caked on his torn pants and tired eyes complimented by a face that would make anyone scared.  
The initial thoughts of what the hell was Hancock doing in his office at 1am turned to worry as quick as the weather changes during early summer.

  
“John? What happened?” Nick quickly stood and pulled Hancock slowly onto his desk after pushing aside his work, propping his leg up slowly with tender hands on his chair. “Jesus, John.”

  
“Nice to-” He grunted as Nick felt his injured leg “see you too, babe.”

  
Nick hurried over to a box in the corner behind his desk and dragged out a med kit.

  
“Gonna need you to take the pants off.” He set the kit down next to john with a huff. Nick wasn't gifted with the steadiest hands, but he knew his way around a med kit. 

  
Hancock smiled at him even through the pain that was coming back now as the chems he huffed earlier were wearing off. Fast.

  
“What? no foreplay? “ Hancock suddenly twitched in pain as a throb ran up from his leg and he let out a grunt “okay okay I won't be a smart ass anymore just gah, fucking burns.” he was breathing fast between his clenched teeth.

  
Nick waited for Hancock to unbutton and carefully slip his pants past his knees. The cuts ran deep and signs of dirt and other contaminants were present. Raiders, Nick guessed.

  
“You might wanna pop a stim, I’m gonna need to clean them.”

  
“Already ahead of you.” Hancock said with one already in his feverishly shaking

  
A while later after the injuries had been cleaned, Nick started to wrap them with thick cloth bandages.  
“Took quite-

_“-a number, love.” Nick said as he finished placing another band aid on Jenny’s knee._  
_She was perched on the sink as Nick patched her up after taking a nasty fall on the concrete._  
_“I told you not to fuss. It’s fine, honestly.” She stretched her leg, looking at Nick’s handiwork. “That's one way to make yourself useful.” she smiled before holding out her arms._  
_“Now be a gentleman and carry me.”_  
_He laughed before picking her up bridal style and started walking out of the bathroom. “Should just drop ya for your last remark.”_  
_Jenny giggled before placing a kiss on her fiancee’s cheek._  
_“And you call yourself a-”_

“-gentleman now carry me to bed.” Hancock said as he held his tired arms out.  
Nick was looking down at his lover’s now all bandaged leg. Damn, the flashes were back. 

  
“Wh-...what?” Nick tried to act like nothing had just happened.

  
“I said, anyone ever tell you you’re quite the gentleman now carry me to bed.” he repeated. “pretty pleaseee”

  
Nick silently picked Hancock up off his desk, holding him close to his chest before making his way quietly past Ellie, who was sleeping. He walked up the stairs and set Hancock down on their bed before sitting down next to him.

  
“Are you...are you mad that I snuck over here?” Hancock said after a while of Nick just looking over at him. His eyes illuminated Hancock’s face softly in the dark but their stare was intense and if Hancock was to be honest, unnerving.

  
“Nick. Hey, Nicky.” Hancock reached out and placed his hand on Nick’s chest. He didn’t know what to say, he had noticed Nick becoming more quiet when usually he would be full of snark. “Not exactly appreciating the silent treatme-”

  
Nick thrust forward and aggressively kissed Hancock before he could finish his sentence. Hancock was quite shocked at the sudden, random act of affection and quite honestly was more shocked at the force behind it.

  
“Nick” Hancock spoke as Nick kissed him, creating an awkward sounding muffled voice.

  
All Nick wanted to do was live in the moment as himself, not some synthetic man. The flashes were becoming more frequent with each passing day and he was becoming more desperate as well as frustrated. They became more real and he had to stop himself from acting out the memory.

He needed Hancock more than ever, but the flashes kept making him feel distant, like he was drifting away from Hancock. He pulled the ghoul closer in desperation to feel him near.

  
“We-” Nick pulled Hancock back in before pulling away “-need to talk."  Another kiss silenced him.

  
But Nick didn’t want to hear Hancock talk again, fearing that it will spark another flashback.  
Desperation drove Nick to hold Hancock tightly, licking his mouth and kissing everywhere he could reach. Feeling the heat radiating off his body, the breath that tickled his cheek; everything that reminded Nick that Hancock was a living organic life.

  
It was only when Hancock firmly stated ‘Stop.’ did Nick let up and Hancock could see the synth’s face now. It was pulled into the face a human would make as they cried, eyebrows knit close together and lips quivering. Hancock was shocked.

 

  
“Nick, Jesus Nick...are...are you okay?...” He straightened up “Of course you're not and i’m not going to take the ‘i'm fine’ bullshit response. Something is seriously wrong. You need to be ho-

_-nest with me,Nick. Did you go back to smoking?” Jenny had her arms crossed across her chest as she interrogated the detective. Irony, Nick thought._  
_He had been trying to get himself to quite for a while now, but it was not an easy troupe to achieve._  
_“N-_

-NNNNAAA” Nick yelled as he tried to fight the flashes “Stop it! Fucking _STOP_!” he was swearing through his teeth. His usually calm voice now sounded strained and gravely as the old mechanics worked to produce a yell.

  
“Nick! What the hell has gotten into you!” Hancock was more worried than angry but his tone came out as pissed.

  
His body was overheating and he couldn’t help but let the pathetic whimper spill from his mouth

.  
“I...I don’t k...know..” pausing, he tried to form a coherent sentence. “...I keep getting these..f..flashes.”

  
“More than normal?” asked Hancock, on the brink of shaking with worry.

  
Ellie suddenly was at the top of the stairs, flicking the lights on before rushing over to them.

  
“Whats going on?!” She exclaimed at the sight of them, Hancock, in his underwear with a banged up leg and Nick looking like he was going to start crying coolant at any given moment. “Was that Nick who was yelling?!”

Hancock didn’t pay attention to Ellie and focused all his attention on his boyfriend as he tried to see into his head, looking for any loose wires or anything that could be causing him pain. “What is triggering them?”

  
“Speech, mainly yours.” he twitched involuntarily as Hancock pressed a finger into the gaping hole on the right side of his neck. “but it’s just flashes of...romance. Nothing else.”

“We should take him to Dr.Amari, John.” Ellie commented. “Synth minds are very complex and you could damage something.”

Nick waved Hancock away with a light hand and looked at them both. “Ellie is right. As much as I trust you, John, I don’t trust you with rootin’ around in my mind.”

“Then let's bring you over.” He tried to stand but his recently injured leg protested as he attempted to lift it. “Shit. I..my leg is-”

  
“No John, you rest here-”

  
“Are you kidding?! I’ll chop it off if that means I can come with you, Nick.”

  
Ellie crossed her arms and shot Hancock a look “Listen, I can take care of him. We probably won’t even be gone a few days.” She shifted her weight. “Just sit tight and rest.”  
Before Hancock could refuse, Nick silenced him with a quick kiss. “I’ll come back, and if I don’t, feel free to throw on a trench coat and fedora and solve my cases.”

  
Hancock just shook his head as he settled back in the bed. “I don’t even want to think about that, love. Just…just come back, okay?”  
Nick promised and stood off the bed. He walked over and placed another peck on Hancock’s forehead before walking off with Ellie.

  
“Wait, Nick.” Hancock called from the bed before Nick got to the stairs. “I love you.”

  
“Love you too, John.” Nick replied and there was an audible ‘Blegh’ from Ellie who was already downstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gonna continue this when I get time :v


	3. Fall and Winter

It was like a stone cold reality rushed over her body as the words mournfully left the doctor’s lips.

“The hell do you mean he isn’t waking up!?” Her voice shook and broke as if hearing herself say it made the situation more real. “You said it was an easy fix!” anger rushed through her as she spat the last sentence.

“It turned out to not be as simple as I anticipated.” Doctor Amari seemed just as shaken as Ellie who had shot up out of her seat and tried to rush past the doctor but failed as Amari caught her.

“Listen.” She swallowed “You don’t want to go to him, it’s not pretty.” Doctor Amari seemed to cock her head back before looking back down at Ellie. “I did all that I could..and more.” Months of tracking down parts and conducting research only to have it blow up in her face. “I’m so sorry, Ellie. I truly am.”

The words did not register, they seemed to just fall flat to the ground. Meaningless.

“Is...I just...Nick, is he-...” No words seemed to convey how she felt at the moment, nothing worked and all that registered through her senses was the hot tears that rolled down her pale cheeks. “He...h...he’s gone..forever..”

Doctor Amari seemed to struggle to get her next words out. Choked and torn.

“Yes.”

How did she let this happen? How did a simple glitch turn into this...Ellie let out a held-back sob before crumpling into the doctor's arms.  
Time stood still as she grieved, her face twisted into an ugly expression and her ruddy cheeks buried deep into Amari’s lab coat where they left a dark spot of tears.

“I can’t believe...Nick’s just-...gone.”

 

 

The fabric of the worn trench coat seemed to radiate with now dead adventure between her fingers. How it felt in her hands was heavier than she remembered, soaked in memories and seemingly distant escapades.

Ellie didn’t remember hating Goodneighbor this much.

The lonely walk back to Diamond City was a death sentence and Ellie was quite alright with that. Her limbs lacked feeling and just felt like heavy burdens. A pain was constant in her neck and she had a headache that pounded through her mind.

When the glimpse of the neon sign arose in her vision, she felt sick to her stomach and she had to remember not to use the trench coat as a rag for her snot and tears.

When Ellie entered the agency, she was hit with that familiar scent of tobacco and it took her all her might not to puke. As she set the coat and hat down on her desk, she hadn’t noticed the tears that still ran down her face until they pattered against the desk.  
A rustling from above shook her and it hit her like a brick wall.

Hancock.

“Nick?” John called out as he made his way down the stairs of the small shack. His leg was still bandaged but showed signs of healing and he had the decency to put pants on. “You know, you gave me quite the scare wh-...” the ghoul stopped mid-sentence as he rounded the corner and was met with Ellie.

She looked at him with stifled sobs and Hancock looked her over before giving her a quizzical look. “Where’s Nick?”  
No response.

“Ellie, is he still with Doctor Amari?” His voice sounded more grave than Ellie was used to and it made her skin crawl but it didn’t shake her from the shock.  
Saying that the pit of his stomach dropped would be an understatement. Slowly the sinking truth dawned on him as he caught a glance of the coat and hat. “Ell-”

“He’s not coming back.” She finally choked out between fit full, body heaving sobs.

Hancock’s eyes widened and he felt just an overwhelming sense of suffocating as he struggled to breath. “Y...you’re lying. He is fine.” He took another step closer to the clothes. “Right?”  
Ellie lost it again, she let herself cry and Hancock held her up.

“Ellie! P...please tell me you’re joking!” Hancock shook her. He was hyperventilating and he pushed her aside to get to Nick’s belongings. “...n...no…” With a final whimper he knew she wasn’t lying.

He allowed himself to cry, which he hadn’t done in years. The foreign feeling of loss and desperation mixed with his tears drove him into a fit of hysteria.

This wasn’t fair. All they had done, been through and conquered was...nothing now. The years of commitment and love they both shared was shattered into a million pieces. The physical tightness in Hancock’s chest caused him to grip his shirt with white knuckles. It’s almost like he could feel his heart being torn to shreds.  
They had a future, a life in which they both shared a part in. The nights they would stay up and discuss their life plans now held no worth. Nick wasn’t here anymore to be a part in what they had. It absolutely crushed Ellie to see Hancock hold the coat to his chest as if it was a shivering body in need of warmth.

The next few days felt as though they didn’t happen in order. News spread fast and old clients paid their condolences along with giving enough space to allow grieving. Piper had showed up to hold Ellie as she cried for probably the eighth time that day. Hancock had held himself in the upstairs loft, curled on the bed, too numb to leave the room.

Hancock held another canister of Jet in his shaking left hand. What was this now? His twelfth? Lord knows. He just prayed that the familiar seeping blackness engulfed his vision sooner rather than later.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

When the bite of the winter air mixed with his breath he figured he had been out for long enough. The tattered trench coat he wore barely provided any insulation to the elements. No wonder Nick was always so cold.  
Hancock lit another cigarette, enjoying the burn against his throat. It was good contrast against the cold.  
His hands shook around the hat in his lap and he couldn’t help but run his finger around the brim once more. The only thing that could wake him from his trance was the rustling of a case file under his thigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delayed update :c

**Author's Note:**

> Planning on another chapter or two hopefully! Hope this wasn't hard to follow


End file.
